Carronade The Yankee Sailor Carronade

The Sea is a choosy mistress. She takes the men that come to her and weighs them and measures them. The ones she adores, she keeps; the ones she hates, she destroys. The rest she casts back to land. I count myself among the adored, for I am Her willing Captive.

I've relocated to a new Yankee Sailor.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

NMPS Movie List Review

The Phibian memed (is that a word?) me the other day, and made an aside that he thought those of you surfing the sphere should have an idea of what's on the Navy Motion Picture Service's movie list. There are over 600 movies currently on the list, so I won't innundate you with the whole thing, but here are some highlights (and lowlights).

Enough Already!:

- Blade 1, 2 & 3.
The first problem is that they've got Wesley Snipes. The second problem is they're played like the DVDs are on "repeat."
- Fast and the Furious. Once a month should be enough for anyone.
- Full Metal Jacket. Great film, but a dead horse.
- Goodfellas. Good movie, but even the Sailors that reported in April know the lines already.
- I Know What You Did Last Summer (because I've seen it a million times...).
Movies that can't be deleted fast enough:

- 13 Ghosts. Stupid, stupid, stupid. By the end I was hoping that everyone would die. Tony Shaloub ought to be embarassed.
- Clueless. An adaptation of the Bard, or "Shakespeare for Dummies."
- Con Air. Think FBI agents flying cobras and you can imagine just how dumb this movie is.
- Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Requesting this movie would violate the DoD "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Even our women aren't interested.
- Fighting Seabees. Okay, this one will probably ruffle some feathers, but like any good XO, I don't care. I know it's got the Duke, but even the Duke had his bad days, right?
- Flight of the Phoenix. No, not that Flight of the Phoenix, the new one. The original was a classic example of a movie that did not need to be remade.
- Grease. Starring John Revolting and Miss Oblivious Newtron Bomb - it's got to go! Okay, Olivia does look good in leather pants, I'll give you that.
- Meet the Fockers. Even DeNiro can't make up for the grating, annoying nature of Ben Stiller.
- Pearl Harbor. Vintage aircraft bomb Burke class DDGs - round file it!
- Planet of the Apes. Mark Wahlberg is not Charlton Heston.
- Reign of Fire. Okay, you got me, it is dumber than 13 Ghosts.

Does this make any sense?:

- Austin Powers 1, and Austin Powers 3. Note that Austin Powers 2 is not included. Doh!
- Back to the Future 2 & 3: See my comments above about the Austin Powers series.
- Mad Max 2 & 3: Show me the Road Warrior!

Hidden gems:

- American Graffitti. Great movie, and who thought Harrison Ford was ever that young?
- Blues Brothers. "We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of smokes, and we're on a mission from God." 'Nuff said.
- Bridge on the River Kwai. William Holden and Alec Guinness at their best.
- Count of Monte Cristo. James Caviezel in his pre-God days. It's got adventure, it's got intrigue, it's got romance - great date flick.
- Eiger Sanction. I didn't even know this was on the list. Damn!
- Miracle. U-S-A! U-S-A! The first sign that the Soviet Union was crumbling was when a bunch of college kids from America beat them at their own game.
- The Professional. I never realized Natalie Portman was in this film until I scanned the list.
- Young Frankenstein. "Oh, sweet mystery of life that now I've found you!"

Guilty pleasures:

- 40 Days and 40 Nights. Boy pledges to be "master of his domain" for 40 days (what was he thinking?!?).
- Girl Next Door. I'm an Elisha Cuthbert fan and I was a classic, quiet nerd in high school, so this struck a chord. Think Risky Business for the 21st century.
- Legally Blonde. Reese Witherspoon looks like she needs a meal - now, now, now! - but I laughed my a$$ off.
- Memphis Belle. I know it's about airdales, but I still like it.

Conspicuously absent:

- Blazing Saddles. A classic western...sort of. "Where the white women at?"
- Glory. A good depiction of the lengths to which good men will go to further the cause of Freedom.
- Hell in the Pacific. Lone Marine and Japanese aviators struggle for control of a deserted island, and it's got Lee Marvin.
- Mr. Roberts. Too good a depiction of what the day-to-day routine aboard a ship is like to be omitted.
- Tora! Tora! Tora! A landmark movie in the genre.